Not that long ago, I accepted a second glass of wine from someone, even though I didn’t really want it. It was a group of friends and acquaintances out for a catch-up, everyone considering where to scribble their wavery line (the one we won’t cross) for the evening, and I happily meandered with them as I sipped.
~~~~??~~~~??~~~~
It’s only 9:30, I don’t work till 1 tomorrow, I’m drinking lots of water too, I don’t know, I’ve gained 20 pounds this winter, I could just drink club soda and lemon, alcohol doesn’t do anything for you except make you even less aware of filters, maybe I’ll just sip slowly while you lot get on with another pint.
(All those reasons and justifications – that’s enough for another whole series of blogs. I’m not sure it ever occurred to me to ask myself the honest question, “Do you want another glass?” and answer yes or no.)
Most of the circle moved on to the next glass of whatever they were drinking, and I didn’t. Ok, there were jokes, but it wasn’t that kind of group, and it wasn’t by any stretch a drunken party. No one (I thought) would press another drink on anyone. If someone stumbled over words and couldn’t quite figure out a complicated train of thought, someone else would probably laugh at them and ask them to say She sells sea shells. But that was it.
Until I said, meh, another glass might be nice, but…and shook my head and wrinkled my nose and shrugged because I knew the nice would not be there to help out when the unwelcome unwell woke me up at 3 am. Not worth it on a work night.
A moment later, the Someone I talked about in the first paragraph got up abruptly and returned with a glass of wine.
You can’t put a glass of wine down smartly on the table without breaking it, but the Someone managed the gestures and the attitude. “There you go,” brisk nod of the head, “There’s your wine.”
It wasn’t that long ago, but I hadn’t yet made friends with the idea that I can maintain my boundaries calmly and kindly without attachment to your (or Someone’s, or anyone’s) issues. I didn’t know that I could say any version of no.
I’m not going to pretend the wine was unenjoyable. ? I like wine, and the second glass tasted even better than the first. But too much wine doesn’t go well with simmering anger and the ugly feeling of trapped impotence that always comes along when one person sets controls on another.
What if I’d said no? Told him I didn’t want another glass of wine? People in the group would have been uncomfortable, and so many of us do not want to be the catalyst for uncomfortable.
Even now, it’s hard to deal directly with this stuff, but I know I can. How? I’m learning the secret of non-attachment. (Yes, you’ve heard that a hundred times. It works.)
“Hey, I don’t want this second glass of wine.” No false thank you, awkward smile, or apology.
Then carry on with the conversation and the good times. If this group of people can’t let it go, if they blame me, demand that I accept the unasked glass of wine or any other offering, if they want me, at all costs, even at the cost of my own sanity, to keep the Someone happy, then —
Let them. Let the threads of attachment float by untouched, and I will be happy.
(Did you think I was going to say “then they aren’t my friends!”? That could be true. But so often, it’s not. Most people do the best they can with what they know and have. I can decide if their present best is good for present me. It’s fine.
Side Note ~ they also get to decide if I am good for them. Fair’s fair.)
Helpful Hints
If you are the one who might sometimes be the Someone, here’s how to tell if the person blathering on about the wine is asking you to get a glass or if s/he’s saying no.
Did s/he answer your question of whether to buy her a glass of wine by saying, “Yes”?
(If s/he didn’t, that means no.) (if you didn’t ask – uh oh).
Did s/he look at you or speak your name and say, “[Please/I would like you to/] buy me a glass of wine.”?
(If s/he didn’t, that means no.)
If you are that Someone, and you are worried that maybe you are missing the message that s/he wants you to buy a glass of wine – well, maybe you are missing it. Maybe s/he hasn’t learned to be comfortable with straightforward communication. That’s not your problem. Making an assumption and acting on it – that is your problem. If you want to know, ask.
/It’s also completely ok to do nothing. S/he’s quite capable of getting her own drink./ 😉
Maybe later means no.
I’m thinking about it means no.
I don’t know means no.
I wonder if...means no.
It sure would be nice means no.
Maybe means no.
Side note ~ If you are the person who says those things and hopes that there will be a Someone to figure out that you do want something and then go do the thing for you… I want to say, I really want to say, smarten the $%&* up.
But it might not feel so easy. It might terrify you, it might make you ill to even think about asking for what you want.
Seems to me that the only reason not to ask would be that life has taught you hard lessons. I’m sorry.
I want you to know that it’s possible, that there are safe people and safe places where you can ask and where you can say no.
I want you to know that if you aren’t safe saying no to the people around you right now, then they aren’t your friends. Doing their best or not, they are not good for you.
You will find safe people and places. Trust your gut. Get to know your gut more so that you can hear what it’s telling you. Listen.
Blessings. I’m thinking of you.
Another side note ~ It’s also not fair to think that everyone has to do it my way. A lot of people seem to enjoy doing it their way. Whatever works.
But make sure that you are doing it your way, that you are, as they say, speaking your truth, being honest with yourself, and (this one’s important) that you don’t use false emotions to fuel your voice.
How often have you whipped up some nice fiery anger so that you feel stronger about saying something difficult?
I promise you that if you (we) stop thinking of things as difficult and let go of attachment to what he will feel, what she will say, (things which only he or she knows for certain anyway), we will all be much happier.
[Featured Image Credit: Paul S. Graham]